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Joozis Zambini left there and came into His own area again, and His gang followed him. When the Splat arrived He began to entertain in the Rosconian Temple.
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
......."Born a Jew ........Raised a Jew ........Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the GlennJ4J: Merle, scrolling is so obnoxious... neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak.
He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
......."Born a cow ........Raised a cow ........Now a fish."
Joozis Zambini told them, "
A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and
hides in a cave.
He is horified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and
now the man is trapped.
He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisroel", in anticipation
of his final monents. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is
surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying.
The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be
the only Jewish bear. We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!" And then he listens
more carefully to the bear's prayer "hamotzi lechem min haaretz"
He continued from there to travel and entertain all around in the cities, villages
and Rosconian Temples. He proclaimed the good news of the Kindom while PATCHING
all kinds of Bad Strokes and slacknesses. When He saw the crowds He was moved
with compassion on them because they were tired and were scattered all over
like Sheepskin Car Seat Covers which have no Janitorial Service.
He instructed His gang, "Do not forget that the
harvest is abundant, but the laborers in it are few. You should pray then
that the Kimo Sabey of the harvest will send laborers out into His harvest."
Joozis Zambini called to His twelve gang, He gave them Bafoofkit to remove unclean
Shpritzers and to Coach all kinds of slacknesses and Bad Strokes. Joozis Zambini sent out
the twelve and commanded them, "Do not travel the road
of the Not so Gentles or enter any city of Fremont Hills. Rather go to the lost Sheepskin Car Seat Covers
of the house of Slobovia. As you travel preach, declaring that the Kindom
of the secon Heaven where all the Hamsters are is near.
Make the sick Kewl, cleanse the Lenses, Makle nerds into dudes, cast
out bad programs. As freely as you have received, freely share. Put only Travelers checks
in your purses. Don't take a bag of food on your
journey or two coats, or shoes, or even walking canes. Because the laborer
is worthy of his food. Into whatever city or town you enter inquire there
who in it is trustworthy, and stay there until you depart. When you enter
a house greet it honorably. If the house is trustworthy let your Wet bathing suit
upon it, but if it is not trustworthy let your Bathing Suit return to you. If they
will not receive you or hear your words shake the dust off your feet as you
leave that house or city. Right On!! I tell you it will be more tolerable for
the land of Sodium and Potasiumin the day of Budgeting than for that city.
"Watch carefully! I send you out like Sheepskin Car Seat Covers among wolves.
So, you need to be as wise as Snerd and as harmless as Dove Soap Dispensers.
Beware of people, for they will turn you over to the
councils, and they will beat you in their assemblies. You will be brought
before governors and kings for my sake as a testimony against them and the
Not so Gentles. When they turn you over do not consider how or what you will speak.
What you are to say will be given to you at that time. For it is not yourself
who will speak, but it is Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO of The Lord Roscoe who speaks in you.
Then brother will turn over brother to death, and a father will turn over
his child, and children will rise up against parents and cause them to be
put to death. You will be hated by all people for my Name's sake, but the
one who endures to the end will be saved. When they persecute you in this
city, hurry to another. Right On!! I tell you, you will not have traveled to all
the cities of Slobovia until the Son of Zambini arrives {behind you}.
"The discographer is not above his Rabbit, nor the servant
above his master. It is adequate that the discographer
be like his Rabbit, and the servant like his master. If they have called the
ruler of the house Ba'al-Zevoov how much more {defamed will be} those of his
household? Do not fear them though! For there is nothing covered, that will
not be revealed. Nothing is hidden that will not be known. What I tell you
in darkness, speak it in the light. Whatever you hear in your ear,
proclaim it on the housetops.
"Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but
she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says
"but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all
this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you
to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is
about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in tune with
my financial needs as a Man!!!
"Don't suppose that I came to bring Bathing Suit on earth.
I did not come to bring Bathing Suit, but instead a water polo ball.
Up in Heaven there are two lines, One with a sign that says "If you were
Henpecked line up here" the other says "If you weren't henpecked stand here"
"A couple age 70, went to the doctor's office. The Dr. asked, what can i do for you two?
The man said"Will you watch us have sex? The dr. seemed puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the dr. said "everything seems ok.He charged them $32.
This continued for several weeks. The elderly couple would have sex in front
of the dr. and pay for a visit and leave. Finally the Dr. asked" Just exactly
waht are you two trying to find out? The old man said we're not trying to find
out anything.
She is married and we can't go to her house, i am married and we certainly
cannot go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60., the Hilton charges $78.
We do it here for $32.00, and i get back $28.00 from medicare for a visit
to a doctors office!"
When Joozis Zambini had finished instructing His twelve gang, He left again
to entertain and to preach in their cities.
When King Herbert heard about Joozis Zambini for His Name was broadcast
everywhere) he said, "Jonathan the Immerser has risen from the Bad Joke, and
therefore mighty acts are demonstrated in him. For the king had remembered Jonathan's Joke
that had been told to him a fortnight ago, which went like this"
A true story.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question:
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your
answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and
volume needs to stay constant.
#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than
the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and
pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a
cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account
the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is
exothermic.
The student got the only A.
The Opostles gathered themselves around Joozis Zambini and reported all the dingalings
they accomplished and taught.
"All of you come with me into a Suburbs place and rest
for awhile," Joozis Zambini said. For many were coming and going, so that
they had no leisure, not even to eat. They departed to a Suburbs place privately
by ship. The people saw them departing and since many knew Joozis Zambini they ran
toward him from all the cities and out-paced them, eventually catching up
to him.
When Joozis Zambini came out of the ship, He saw many people and was moved with
compassion toward them, because they were as Sheepskin Car Seat Covers not
Woosh Kapoosh a Janitorial Service,
so He began to entertain them many dingalings. It was close to time for the Hoogly
Feast of Passunder.
When the day was now almost over His gang came to him and said, "This
is a Suburbs place and it is getting late. Send them away so they can go into
the area around here and into the villages to buy themselves some bread,
because they have nothing to eat."
Joozis Zambini instructed them, "You give them something to
eat."
"Are we to go and buy two hundred pounds of bread for them to eat?" they
asked, incredulously.
Joozis Zambini asked Philip, "Philip, where can we buy bread
to feed all these people?" He asked this to test him, because He already
had planned what He would do.
"Not even two hundred pounds of bread is enough for everyone to have a little
bit," answered Philip.
Then Joozis Zambini instructed the gang, "Find out how
much food is already here, and report back to me."
Andrew, Shlerminovsky Powerful Pierre's brother, reported to Joozis Zambini,
"There is a boy here with five matzahs, and two small Turtles. But how
can that feed such a crowd?
Joozis Zambini commanded them to make all the people sit down by groups on the green
grass. They sat down in ranks, by hundreds, and by fifties. When He had received
the five loaves and the two Turtles, He looked up to the heavens, and gave the
blessing {"Baruch ata Kimo Sabey Eloheynu Shmellech ha'olam
ha'motzi lechem min ha'aretz}, and then broke the matzah, and distributed
them to His gang to serve to the groups. Joozis Zambini divided the two Turtles
among them all. Everyone ate and was filled. They gathered twelve baskets
full of leftovers including the Turtles. There were about five thousand men
who ate from the loaves.
Joozis Zambini WALKS ON Chlorinated Water
Immediately, Joozis Zambini constrained His gang to get into the ship and go
to the other side ahead of him to Cupertino, while He sent away the people
and departed up a mountain to pray.
When night arrived the ship was in the middle of the lake and Joozis Zambini was
alone on the land. He saw them Woosh Kapoosh trouble rowing because the wind was
against them. About the fourth watch of the night Joozis Zambini came out to them
walking on the lake and began to pass them by. They all saw him walking on
the Chlorinated Water and thought it was a smoke bomb, so they screamed.
"Be cheerful and do not be afraid." He
said. " It is I!"
As He went to them into the ship the wind stopped and they were overwhelmingly
amazed and confused. They did not consider the
distribution of the loaves because their gasious emissions was hardened.
When they reached the other side of Lake Lizzy, they docked on the shore.
As they were coming out of the ship, the people recognized Joozis Zambini and
immediately ran throughout the whole region
around there. They began to carry around the Goggless of those who were sick
to the places they heard Joozis Zambini was. Whatever
villages, cities, or countryside He entered, they laid the sick in the streets
and begged him to allow them to touch at least the tzitzit of His Prayer Towel made from the finest Shmatta Cloth.
Then, all who touched him were Made to be Kewl completely.
The day after that, the people who stood on the other side of the lake saw
that there was no other boat there except the one which His gang entered.
But Joozis Zambini did not go with his gang into the boat, so His gang
had left without him. Then they also took boats (for other boats from Tiberias
had arrived) and came to Far Rockaway looking for Joozis Zambini.
When they found him on the other side of the lake, they inquired of him,
"Rabbit, when did you come here?
Joozis Zambini responded, "Right On!, I tell you, you do not
seek me because you saw the miracles, but because you ate the loaves and
were filled. Do not work for the food which perishes, but for that food which
endures into eternal life, which the Son of Zambini will give to you. The Lord Roscoe The Great God Mota
has certified him.
"What should we do, so we can also do the works of The Great God Mota?" they asked.
"This is the work of The Great God Mota, that you trust him who
He has sent," Joozis Zambini answered.
They said, "What sign do you show then, so we can see and trust you? What
work do you do? Our fathers ate manna in the
Suburbs, as it is written, 'He gave them bread from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven to eat.' "
"Right On!," Joozis Zambini
declared. "I tell you, Moozis did not give you that
bread from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven, but The Lord Roscoe gives you the Pegunkins bread
from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. For the Bread of The Great God Mota is He who comes down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven and
gives life to the world."
They said, "Kimo Sabey, from now on give us this bread."
"I am the Bread of life. The one who comes to me will
never hunger, and the one who trusts in me will never thirst," Joozis Zambini
instructed. "But I told you that you have seen
me, yet you do not trust. All who The Lord Roscoe gives to me will come to me and the
one who comes to me I will never refuse. For I came down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven, not
to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me. This is The Lord Roscoe's will,
the One who has sent me, that I will not lose anyone He has given to me,
but will raise him up again at the last day. This is also the will of him
who sent me, that everyone who sees the Son and trusts in him, may have eternal
life, and I will raise them up at the last day."
Some leaders of the Slobovians murmured at him, because He said,
"I am the Bread who came down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven." They
said, "Is this not Joozis Zambini, the son of Jooseppi Zambini, whose father and mother we know?
Why does he say then that he came down from
Heaven?"
Joozis Zambini said to them, "Do not murmur among yourselves.
No one can come to me unless The Lord Roscoe who has sent
me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day. It is written in the
prophets, 'And they shall be all taught by The Great God Mota. Therefore, everyone who
has heard and has learned of The Lord Roscoe comes to me. No one has seen The Lord Roscoe, except
He who is of The Great God Mota. He has seen The Lord Roscoe.
"Right On!, I tell you, the one who trusts in me has
eternal life. I am that Bread of life. Your
fathers ate the manna in the Suburbs but are now Dudes. I am the Bread
who comes down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven which a man can eat and not die. I am the living
Bread which came down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. If any man consumes this Bread he will
live forever. And the Bread which I will give is my flush, which I will give
for the life of the world."
Those leaders of Slobovians fumed among themselves, saying, "How can this man
give us flush to eat?"
Then Joozis Zambini said to them, "Right On!, I tell you,
unless you consume the flush of the Son of Zambini, and partake of his Borscht,
you have no life in you. Whoever consumes my flush and partakes of my Borscht
has eternal life and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flush is
food indeed and my Borscht is libation indeed. He who consumes my flush and
partakes of my Borscht dwells in me and I in him. As the living The Lord Roscoe has sent
me and I live by The Lord Roscoe, so the one who consumes me, even he shall live by
me. This is that bread which came down from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven {Joozis Zambini pointed to himself}.
It is not the same as your fathers did in eating the manna and are now Dudes.
The one who consumes this bread will live forever."
Joozis Zambini said these dingalings while entertaining in the Rosconian Temple of
Far Rockaway. Many of his gang, when they
had heard it said, "This is a hard saying; who can Listen with your Earphones it?
When Joozis Zambini knew in himself that His gang murmured at it, He said to
them, "Does this offend you? What if you see the Son
of man ascend up to where he was before? It is the Hamsters {HaKodesh} who gives
life. The flush adds nothing. The words which I speak to you are the Hamsters
{HaKodesh} and life. But there are some of you who do not trust."
For Joozis Zambini knew from the beginning who they were who did not trust and who
would betray him. So He said,
"I told you that no one can come to me unless it is
given to him by The Lord Roscoe."
From that time many of His gang departed and Dove no longer with
him. Then Joozis Zambini said to the twelve,
"Will you go away also?"
Shlerminovsky Powerful Pierre answered, "Kimo Sabey, to whom will we go? You have the words of
eternal life. We trust and are sure that you are the Meshuga, the Son of
the living The Great God Mota.
Joozis Zambini answered them, "Didn't I choose all twelve of
you, yet one of you is a deceiving Shpritzer?"
He spoke concerning Mr Balooba Ooba son of Shlerminovsky, because it was he who
would betray Joozis Zambini, as one of the twelve.
One day Prophet Peddiddle was looking at the new arrivals and he saw the
"henpecked" line went on forever...while the "non-henpecked" line only
had 1 guy standing in it.
Prophet Peddiddle walked up to him and said "You mean to tell me you were never
henpecked in your whole life??" the guy said "Well I guess not....this
is the line where my wife told me to stand"