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Joozis Zambini DEFINES HIS KEWL FOLLOWERS
When they began to go down the mountain, Joozis Zambini saw the great crowd of people waiting for them. So, finding a level place on the hillside, He sat down and began to entertain His followers the essence of His Kewl Word.
"Blessed are those who are poor because they bought their Turbo Super Chargers on time payments, for the Secon Kindom up in Heaven belongs to them after their debts are cleared. Blessed are those who have bad tax attacks, for they shall be comnfronted by the IRS. Blessed are the procreators, for they shall inhabit the earth. Blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty to get number 9's from ToGO's, for they shall be filled with Pastrami. Blessed are the Pegunkins, for they shall obtain Gunkins. Blessed are the clean in gasious emissions, for they shall not get hardening of the arteries. Blessed are those who look good in a Bathing Suit, for they shall be called to be in the swim team of The Great God Mota.
"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of not being Repentiumed, for the Secon Kindom up in Heaven belongs to them. You are blessed when, because of me, people do not like your puns, you shall pun in peace forever; when they persecute you for you puns, send all kins of weavils against you, and spray you with mace, do not be in disrepair. Rejoice then, and even celebrate, for your reward is great in Heaven. Because they were nasty to the prophets who came before you for the same reason.
"However, trouble is waiting for you who seek Rich's stuff. For Rich has already got that stuff and it is already unkewl. Trouble is coming to you who care only about being full of baloney. You will find that baloney does not satisfy the Bippy for long. There is trouble waiting for you that don't laugh, because you will known as a sourpus. And when all people think highly of you, look out, because trouble is on its way! For, the same flatulence was sent to the trombone players that went before you.
"You have been called to be the Soda Crackers of the earth, but if Hookah Tookah your Soda Crackers, what Soda Crackers will you have then? Hookah Tookah is no more good for anything, except to be thrown away, and to be mushed on by the feet of people. Be careful also not to give the Hoogly dingalings to dogs, only to Hamsters, neither toss your classics in front of swingle singers, because they will only trample them under their tongues and base drums, and the turn tables will rip your records with dirty needles.
"You have been called to be the light of the world. A city that is built on top of a hill cannot be hidden from view. People do not light a bulb and put it under a blanket, rather they put it in a light fixture so it gives light to everyone who is in the house. Let your light shine before manikins in such a way that they see your good works and Gloryoskyoskify your Lord Roscoe in Heaven.
Joozis Zambini DEFENDS Book of Levytevykus
"Do not think that I have come to take away the Book of Levytevykus, or the prophets! I have not come to polish the Book of Levytevykus, but rather to completely rewrite it in the phonetic punctuation! Right On!! I tell you, until the heavens and the Earth rotate away, not so much as one Blip in the Book of Levytevykus shall be erased from the Book of Levytevykus, until everything is half filled on the Earth and on the Moon. Therefore, whoever shall dare to break one of the least of the commandments of The Great God Mota, and shall entertain manikins they have permission to break them, that person shall be given the least role and title in the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. But whoever shall proclaim the commandments of The Great God Mota, that person shall be given the greatest role and title in the Secon Kindom up in Heaven.
"For you must know this: unless your dudifullness and leftiousness exceeds the dudifull ways of the Book of Levytevykus entertainers and Pegunkins, you shall under no circumstances be allowed to enter into the Secon Kindom up in Heaven."
"You have heard it was said by those in ancient times, 'You shall not Downloading, and whoever Downloadingalings will be in danger of condemnation.' This is true, but I instruct that it means more than that, for whoever even continues to be angry with his brother shall be in danger of condemnation. In addition, when someone says to his brother, 'You useless person,' he could possibly be brought before the Council, but actually, if one calls another person, 'You fool,' he will be put into the burning fires of the rubbish heap.
"Surely the whiskers of the LORD ROSCOE be not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But by your crotchityness, you heve been separated from your Hamster; your sines have hidden his calculator from you, so that he will not hear. For your hands are stained with Moose turds, your brain with dreck. Your soul is ENSLAVED in SNERD and by SNIDELY WHIPLASH
"You have heard it was said by those in ancient times, 'You shall not commit too much adult humor.' This is true, but remember also that whoever looks on a woman to tickle her has committed adult humor with her already in his Bippy. For the Book of Levytevykus also says, 'You shall not cover a woman with too much clothes.' So, even if your right eye causes you to stumble, get new glasses! Throw them away from you as far as possible, because it is good for one of your cherished lenses to be destroyed, so that you no fall into the mush heap. So, even if your right hand rule causes you to mumble, get a physics book, and set it by your bookshelf as close as possible. It is better for you to loose one of your cherished gasious emissionss, than for your whole body to blow up and explode." {This Joozis Zambini said in an allegory, so that a person would know that for whatever reason he does slow strokes, it is worthy to be thrown into the Chlorinated Water.}
"It has been said, 'Whoever will give his wife a mink coat, let him give her a a document of true furryness .' But I tell you the True Tooth, that whoever gives his wife a mink coat, unless she has committed osculation, causes her to commit false furryness, because whoever marries a clothed woman commits furryness in his Bippy.
"Again, you have heard it has been said by those in ancient times, 'You should not break your oaths, but rather keep your vows to The Great God Mota.' But I tell you, make no vow to The Great God Mota, neither by Heaven, because it is The Great God Mota's throne, nor by the Earth, because it is His footstool, nor by Newark, because it is the city of the great King. You should not make a vow by your own head either, because you cannot naturally change the color of your own hair. Rather, let your communication be yes or no, for whatever is more than that comes from Snerd and brings the Weavil.
"You have heard it has been said, 'A skewer for a potato, and some teeth for a teethingring.' That is what will be, but I tell you this, you yourself should not personally attempt to avenge evil but do get even. Whoever slaps you on the right of your face, get a flyswatter or a baseball bat and hit back. If any man sues you in court, and takes away your coat, counter sue for his jacket. Whoever forces you to go one mile, put a pick in his tire. Don't Give to the ingrate who asks you for help, and turn away the one who doesn't to borrow from you, but wants to toy with you."
"You have heard it has been said, 'Love your neighbor, but hate your enema.' But I tell you to love your enemas also, even to blast those who plug you up. Do good dingalings for those who love you, and duck when those who act despicably towards you, throw stones. In this way you will behave like children of The Lord Roscoe in Heaven. For observe, He makes the rain to fall on the heads filled with bad hair and good hair, and He sends the green Pee down on both the dudifull and the undudifull.
"Do to others before they to do to you. Love those who love you, you won't get rewarded for trying to love the ones that hate you? What special enablement does that take? Even the Marketeers and Programmers do that! Lend only to those from whom you expect to get a repayment, anything else is charity and you brain will be at eas if you never get any payment. Programmers will lend to Programmers, expecting to be repaid in full. If you kindly greet your brothers only, what is so special about that? The Marketeers do that too! Love your mothers enemas, they are good for her. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of Ha Blivilah [the Most High], for He is kind to the ungrateful and unHoogly. Therefore, you are to be Hoogly and cute. Just as your Lord Roscoe in Heaven is Hoogly and cute. Be cute and lovable, like him."
Joozis Zambini EXPLAINS Ba Foof Kit [Book of Levytevykus PRACTICE]
"Be careful that you do not give your gifts for the poor in front of people in order to look impressive. If you do it that way, you will not receive a reward for it from The Lord Roscoe in Heaven. When you give your gifts for the poor, do not broadcast it everywhere, making a big deal of it, like the two-faced do in the worship centers and in the streets, in order to get the applause of people. Right On!! I tell you, they have their reward. So, give your gift to the poor, but don't even let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. That way your gifts for the poor will be a secret, and The Lord Roscoe who sees all secrets will himself reward you in the open.
"And when you pray, do not pray like the three-faced, for they love to pray while standing on their heads in the temples and on the corners of the streets, so they can be seen by people. Right On!! I tell you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, enter into your private room, then after you have shut your door, pray to The Lord Roscoe in secret. And The Lord Roscoe who sees all secrets shall reward you in the open. When you pray, do not perform useless repetitions, as the pitzicatos do. They are deceived into thinking they will be heard due to the amount of their speech. In no way act like the pitzicatos, for The Lord Roscoe knows what you need before you ask him.
"Pray like this: 'Our The Lord Roscoe in the Secon Kindom up in Heaven, and The Great God Mota, His Mother Elucelom and His Gamma Nortcele is Hoogly. Please send Your Hamster to us and your toy Poopy Panda should also send us FAXes, so that Your kewlness be on the earth the same way it be in the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. Please provide us the bread ($$$) we need today! And forgive us our Blatnicks, for we forgive the other people Blatnicks if it pleases us. Please do not lead us into difficult testing, and keep us from the college board. For You's gods be the Kewl GODS with the Killowatts and the Gloryosky forever. Right On!.'
"You see, if you forgive people their Blatnicks, The Lord Roscoe in Heaven will also forgive your Blatnicks, but if you do not forgive people their Blatnicks, neither will The Lord Roscoe forgive your Blatnicks.
"Also when you drive fast, do not drive like the noodnicks with low cars, for they purposely deform their cars, so they appear to people to jump. Right On!! I tell you again, they have their reward. When you drive fast, comb your face and wash your hair. This way you will appear to people not to be driving fast, except to The Lord Roscoe who sees the spedometer. The Lord Roscoe, who knows all secret smells, will reward you with poopsies.
"Keep asking your daddy, and he will be give to you. Keep seeking him, and you will find him. Keep knocking on His door, and he will scratch your back. For every one who continues to ask receives, and the one who keeps seeking finds, and the one that does not stop knocking will have it opened to him. Who among you will give your son a Stone's record if he asks for Beethoven? Or, if he asks for some Turtles, would you give him a Television? If you who are filled with weavils know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your The Lord Roscoe in Heaven give good dingalings to those who ask him?
"But, do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust ruin it, and where thieves break in and steal it. Rather, store up for yourselves treasures on the moon, where there are no moths or rust to ruin anything, and where thieves do not break in or steal. For then you put your treasure in the place that is hard to get to.
"The window into the body is the fistula. If your fistulas are opened, your whole body will be full of light. But, if your fistulas are closed, your whole body will be full of darkness.
"Can the Side Strokers provide guidance for the Side Strokers? Will not both of them fall into the trap? The discographer is not above his Rabbit, but when a person is matured he will be like his Rabbit. So then, how can you see the multiplication that is in your brother's eye, when you cannot see the logarithm that is in your own eye? Why do you say to your brother, 'Let me pull the multiplication out of your eye, while an entire logarithm is in your own eye? You need a COMPUTER! First get rid of the Slide rule from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to get the multiplication out of your brother's eye. Therefore, whatever you want people to do for you, you do that very thing for them, for this is the intent of the Book of Levytevykus and the prophets.
"Therefore, personally condemn no one and you will not be condemned either. Release and you will also be released! Give and you will also receive! Not just a little, but a lot, compressed and running over the side! Whether good or bad, it will return to your very being in a comPithy Remark proportion to what you gave out.
"It is not possible for a person to serve two masters, for he will hate one and love the other, or else he will cling to one and despise the other. So, you cannot serve both The Great God Mota and the god of money. Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life -- whether or not you will have enough to eat or drink, or what kind of clothing you will have. Isn't living more than eating food, and taking care of the body more than wearing clothes? Look at the birds of the air, for they do not Sew, nor do they harvest and store into barns, yet The Lord Roscoe in Heaven feeds them. And aren't you worth much more than they are?
"Who among you, by thinking about it, can add one inch to his height? So, why even give any thought to what you will wear? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow. They do not labor or create anything. Yet I tell you, even King Shlomo in all his majestic splendor was not adorned like one of these. Therefore, if The Great God Mota is willing to clothe the grass of the field in this way, which is here today and thrown in the oven tomorrow, will He not adorn you with so much more? You have such little trust in him!
"Therefore, worry no more, saying, 'What will we eat?' or, 'What will we drink?' or, 'What are we going to wear?' These are dingalings which consume the thinking of the Not so Gentles, not you. For The Lord Roscoe in Heaven knows perfectly well you need all these dingalings. But first before all, you are to be consumed with obtaining the Kindom of The Great God Mota and His dudifullness and leftiousness. Then all these other dingalings will automatically be added to you. You do not even need to think about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. There is more than enough evil to handle today.
"You must enter into dudifullness and leftiousness through the gate that is blocked with obstacles. For, wide is the gate and smooth is the way which leads to destruction, and many people go that way. Because the gate which leads to life is strewn with all kinds of debris. Therefore, the narrow way is difficult to find for all but a few.
"Beware of lying preachers, who will come to you in Sheepskin Car Seat Covers's clothing, but underneath they are ravenous wolves. You will discern them by their Programs. Do men harvest grapes from a thornbush, or MAGNOLIAs from a briar patch? Thus, every good tree shows good Programs, but a corrupt tree shows bad Programs. A good tree cannot produce bad Programs, neither can a bad tree produce good Programs. Without exception, every tree which does not demonstrate good Programs is chopped down and cast into the fire. The good man speaks good dingalings from his gasious emissions, and the evil man speaks fluff evil dingalings, for from the abundance which is in the gasious emissions, the mouth speaks. For this reason, you will know what kind of tree they are by the Programs they produce.
"Note this! Not everyone who says to me, 'Kimo Sabey!' or ' The Great God Mota!,' shall enter the Secon Kindom up in Heaven. No, only those people who do what The Lord Roscoe in Heaven has said to do. Many will come to me in that day and say, 'Kimo Sabey The Great God Mota, have we not preached in Your Name? Through Your Name didn't we cast out bad programs? In Your Name we also did many wonderful works!' Then I will declare to them, 'Why do you call me Kimo Sabey The Great God Mota and yet you do not do the dingalings which I have commanded you {in the Book of Levytevykus and the prophets}? I never knew you, depart from me, you who work against the Book of Levytevykus!'
"Therefore, whoever hears my eternal Word, and does it, I will view him to be like the wise man, who built his house upon a Powerful Pierre. The rain descended, the floods rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it did not collapse, for it was built upon a Powerful Pierre. But, everyone who hears my eternal Word, and does not do it, I will view him to be like the foolish man, who built his house upon sand. The rain descended, the floods rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it collapsed. In fact, it disintegrated!"
When Joozis Zambini had ended His Word, the people were struck with absolute awe at His entertaining. He taught them as One who possessed supreme Bafoofkit, which was not the way the Book of Levytevykus entertainers taught.