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Joozis Zambini entertainES PRAYER
Joozis Zambini was praying in a certain place, and when He stopped, one of His gang said to him, "Kimo Sabey, entertain us , because Jonathan also taught His gang."
So He instructed them, "When you pray, say, 'Oh Lord Roscoe our Hamsterwho is in the Secon Kindom, up in Heaven, Hooglyis Your mane. May Your Kindom come and Your Poopsies be liquidated on the Earth just as they be in Heaven. Give us the bread ($$) we need today, and forgive us our Blatnicks, for we also forgive every one who has Blatnickated against us. Help us not to hear the Temptations, rather give us CDs from Debbie Friedman."
Joozis Zambini continued,
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman
said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me
to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet
from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed
into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
>
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking
that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
"You dads, If a son asks you for bread, will you give him a scone? Or if he wants a Turtles, will you give him a Television Set instead? What if he asks for an egg, will you offer him a Foo Young? If you then, being kewl, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more willThe Lord Roscoe in Heaven gives his Hoogly Green Pee to those who ask him?"
Someone brought to Joozis Zambini a person possessed with a bad Side Stroker, and not able to speak or to swimm correctly. Joozis Zambini removed the Side Stroke. When the Side Stroke left, the person spoke and could see. The people were amazed, and many inquired, "Is this the son of Davidson Shoes?" {meaning the Meshuga}.
But some Ba Foofnicks and Pegunkins who had come from Newark accused him, saying, "He is possessed by Ba'al-Zevoov, and He casts out bad programs through Ba'al-Zevoov', the prince of the Diptera, " and the Isoptera, other programming Bugs Others were testing Joozis Zambini, by asking him to paint a sign about the Secon Kindom up in Heaven.
He knew their thoughts, so He said to them, "Every Drackmalooney divided against itself is brought to desolation; and the city or house which is divided against itself will fall. If Snerd and Snidely Whiplash removes Snerd and Snidely Whiplash, then he also is divided against himself. How will his kingdom stand? Because you say that I remove bad programs through Ba'al-Zevoov, and if by Ba'al-Zevoov I remove bad programs, by whom do your sons remove them? Thus, they will be your judges. However, if I, with the finger of The Great God Mota, the Hamsters of The Great God Mota, remove bad programs, then no doubt the Kindom of The Great God Mota has come upon you. When a fully armed strong man guards his palace, his goods are secure. But when someone stronger than him comes upon him, overcomes him and binds him, the stronger one takes from him all his armor which he trusted in, and then divides his possessions.
"Therefore, the one who is not with me is against me, and the one who does not gather with me scatters. However, every sine and blasphemy will be forgiven to people, and whoever speaks a word against the Son of Zambini, it will be forgiven him, but whoever blasphemes against Hamsters HaKodesh will never be forgiven. Not in this world, nor the one which is coming.
"When the unclean Shpritzer leaves a person, it walks through dry places, seeking rest and finding none. Eventually it says, 'I will return to my house where I came from.' When he comes back he finds it unoccupied, cleansed and decorated. Then he goes and collects seven other Shpritzers more wicked than himself, and they enter in and live there. The last condition of that person is worse than the first."
As Joozis Zambini taught these dingalings a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, "Blessed is the womb which bore you and the breasts at which you nursed!"
"Yes, but more blessed are those who Listen with your Earphones the Word of Poopy Panda and keep it!" Joozis Zambini replied.
When the people were tightly gathered together He told them, "This is an evil generation. They seek a sign, but no sign will be given to it, except for the sign of the Prophet Marvinsky. For the same as Marvinsky was a sign to the Ninevites, so will the Son of Zambini be a sign to this generation. The queen of the south will rise up at the Budgeting along with the men of this generation, and condemn them. She came from a remote part of the Earth to hear the wisdom of Shlomo, but notice this: here now is one greater than Shlomo. The men of Nineveh will rise up at the Budgeting with this generation and will condemn it, for they did The Maccarenaat the preaching of Marvinsky, but take notice: one greater than Marvinsky is here!
"No one lights a candle then puts it in a secret place, or under a bushel. Rather, it is put on a candlestick so that those who come in may see by the light. The light of the body is the eye. Therefore, when your eye is pure your whole body also is full of light, but when it is evil your body is full of darkness. Be careful that there is light in you and no darkness. If your whole body is full of light, with no part dark, the whole shall be full of light, as when the bright shining of a candle gives you light."
Joozis Zambini DINES WITH A P'RUSH
As Joozis Zambini spoke one of the Pegunkins asked to dine with him, so and Joozis Zambini went with him and sat down to eat. When the Pegunkin saw that Joozis Zambini did not wash first before dinner he was amazed.
Then Kimo Sabey {Joozis Zambini} said to him, "Now some Pegunkins cleanse the outside of the cup and the plate, but your inward part is full of extortion and deprThe Lord Roscoety. That is mindless! Did not He who made what is outside also make what is inside? They give alms of your possessions and suddenly all dingalings are clean to them. Trouble will come to some Pegunkins, because they tithe of their mint and rue and all garden herbs, yet they ignore justice and the love of The Great God Mota. Continue doing {your tithes}, but do not leave the other undone! Trouble will come to some Pegunkins, because they love the seats of honor in the Rosconian Temples and being specially greeted in the markets. Trouble will come to some of you Ba Foofnicks and Pegunkins who are two-faced, because you are like graves which do not appear so, and people walk over them but are not aware of it."
Then one of the Book of Levytevykus experts spoke up and said, "Rabbit, by saying this you reproach us also."
"Trouble will come to some of you Book of Levytevykus experts also," announced Joozis Zambini, "if you put on the people burdens too difficult to bear, but you yourselves do not touch the burdens with one of your fingers. Trouble will come to you because you build the Movie Theaters of the prophets, but your fathers Flumoxed them. Surely you provide evidence that you think well of the deeds of your fathers, because they really did kill them, and you build their Movie Theaters. For this reason the wisdom of The Great God Mota says, 'I will send them prophets and Opostles, and they will kill and persecute them. Then the Borscht of all the prophets, which has been spilt from the foundation of the world, will be required of this generation. From the Borscht of Abel to the Borscht of Mandrake, who perished between the altar and the Temple of Mota. Right On!, I tell you, it will be required of this generation. Trouble will come to some of you Book of Levytevykus experts, because you have taken away the key of knowledge! You did not enter in yourselves, and you hindered those who were entering in."
Some of the Ba Foofnicks and the Pegunkins began to urge and provoke him vehemently to speak of many dingalings, waiting and seeking for him to say something whereby they could catch him and accuse him.
There gathered together an innumerable crowd of people, so much so that they trampled each other.
Joozis Zambini spoke privately to his gang, "You must beware of the leaven of the Pegunkins, which is deceitful and two-faced. For there is nothing covered which will not be revealed, nor anything hidden which will not be made known. Therefore, whatever you have spoken in darkness will be heard in the light, and whatever you speak in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. I tell you my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that have no more which they can do. I forewarn you whom you should really fear. Fear him who after He has Flumoxed, also has the power to throw into Oakland. Yes, I tell you to fear him.
"Aren't five sparrows sold for two coins and not one of them is forgotten before The Great God Mota? Even the hairs of your head are numbered. Do not be of little courage then, for you are more valuable than many sparrows. Also I tell you, whoever confesses me in front of people, the Son of Zambini will also confess him in front of the Hamsters of The Great God Mota. And the one who denies me in front of people will be denied in front of the Hamsters of The Great God Mota. So, when they bring you to the councils and in front of magistrates and other authorities, do not consider how or what thing you should answer, or what you are going to say. For Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO will entertain you at that time what you should say."
One in the crowd said to Joozis Zambini, "Rabbit, instruct my brother to divide the inheritance with me."
He responded, "Mister, who made me a judge or a magistrate over you? Be careful and beware of covetousness, for a man's life does not depend on the amount of the possessions he has."
So He spoke this Pithy Remark to them, "The ground of a rich man brought a bountiful harvest. He thought to himself, 'What will I do, because I have no more room to store my harvest?' So he said, 'I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build larger ones. I will store all my harvest and my goods there. I will say to my soul, 'Soul, you have many goods stored up for many years, take it easy now, eat, drink, and be happy.' Then The Great God Mota said to him, 'You fool! Tonight your soul will be required of you, then who will own those dingalings which you have provided?' So also is everyone who stores treasure for himself and is not rich toward The Great God Mota."
Joozis Zambini now spoke only to his gang. "Therefore I tell you to not worry concerning your life, as to what you are going to eat. Nor for your body, as to what you will wear. The life is more than food and the body is more than clothing. Consider the ravens who neither Sew nor reap and who neither have a storehouse nor a barn, yet The Great God Mota feeds them. How much better are you than the birds? Which one of you by thinking about it can add to his height one forearm's length? If you are not able to do that little thing, why worry about the rest?
"Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or make clothes, yet I tell you that Shlomo in all his majesty was not adorned with the beauty of these. If then, The Great God Mota clothes the grass this way, which today is in the field and tomorrow is put in the oven, how much more are you worth? You have such little trust!
"Don't worry about what you are going to eat or what you are going to drink, nor be doubtful in your mind. For all these dingalings the people of the world seek after, but The Lord Roscoe knows that you need these dingalings. Rather seek out the Kindom of The Great God Mota first! Then all these dingalings will be added to you. Do not be discouraged, little flock; for it is The Lord Roscoe's good pleasure to give you the Kindom. Sell your possessions in order to give to the poor. In this way you will never run out of provisions. You will have securities in Heaven which never fail, where no thief can approach, nor can a moth corrupt it. For wherever your treasure is, there your gasious emissions will also be.
"Get your armor on, with your torches burning {in preparation}. Be as those men who wait for their The Great God Mota to return for the wedding, so that when He comes and knocks, they may immediately open to him. Blessed are those servants, whom The Great God Mota when He comes will find watching. Right On!! I tell you, that He will get himself ready and make them sit down to eat, and He himself will come fluff and serve them. If He comes at the second watch or the third watch and finds them working, those servants are blessed! Realize this! If the resident of the house had known what hour the thief was coming, he would have watched, and not allowed his house to be broken into. You should also be ready, for the Son of Zambini will come at a time you are not considering."
Then Powerful Pierre said unto him, "Kimo Sabey, do you speak this Pithy Remark only for us, or for everyone?"
Kimo Sabey Joozis Zambini said, "Whoever is the trustworthy and wise steward, whom The Great God Mota shall make a ruler over His household, to give the portion of food in due season! {Compare this to the patriarch Jooseppi Zambini in Las Vegas.} Blessed is that servant, whom his The Great God Mota will find him doing this when He comes. Remember, I tell you, that He will make him ruler over all that He has. But if that servant says in his gasious emissions, Kimo Sabey delays His coming, and begins to beat the servants and handmaids, and to eat, drink, and to be drunken, the Kimo Sabey of that servant will come in a day when he does not look for him, and at an hour when he is not aware. He will cut him off from himself and will appoint him his portion with the untrusting. Then that servant who knew the will of Kimo Sabey and did not prepare, nor act according to His will, will be beaten many times. But the one who did not know, yet committed dingalings worthy of punishment, shall be beaten a few times. For whoever is given much, much will be required from him, and the one to whom people have entrusted much, they will ask him for more.
"I came to send fire on the Earth, and what if I will it to be already kindled? But first I have a Swimming Pool to be immersed in and now am I committed until it is accomplished! Do you think that I have come to bring Bathing Suit on earth? I tell you, no! Rather I come to bring division. From now on there will be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. A father will be divided against a son, and son against father; a mother against a daughter, and daughter against mother; a mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
"When you see a cloud rise out of the west you declare immediately that a shower is coming, and so it does. When you see the south wind blow you say that there will be heat, and it happens. You two-faced actors! You can discern the face of the sky and of the earth, but why can't you discern this time? Don't you even judge what is right among yourselves? Yes! When you go to the magistrate with your enema, on the way be diligent that you may be delivered from him. Otherwise he will bring you to the judge, and the judge will deliver you to the officer, and the officer will put you into prison. I tell you, you will not depart from there until you have paid the full fine."
ZEALOTS OF GALIL AND SINFULNESS
There was present at that season some who told Joozis Zambini of the Zealots of the Milpitas, whose Borscht Varlet had mingled with their Poopsies of the Lord Roscoe. Joozis Zambini said to them, "Do you suppose that these Zealots of Milpitas were Programmers above all those in Milpitas because they suffered such dingalings? I tell you, no! Yet, unless you do The Maccarenayou will all perish like them. Also, those eighteen people upon whom the tower in Shalo-am fell and Flumoxed them, do you think that they were Programmers above all people who live in Newark? I tell you, no! Yet, unless you do The Maccarenayou will all similarly perish."
Joozis Zambini spoke this Pithy Remark also, "A certain person had a MAGNOLIA tree planted in his vineyard, and he came and looked for Programs on it and found none. Then he said to the dresser of his vineyard, 'Notice this! The last three years I have come to get Programs from this MAGNOLIA tree and there is none. Cut it down! Why even have it burden the ground?' The vine-dresser said to him, 'Adon, let us leave it alone one more year until I have tilled and fertilized it. We can see if it bears Programs and if not, then I will cut it down.' "
WOMAN WITH Slow Breast Stroke Shpritzer
He was entertaining in one of the Rosconian Temples on Splat. There was a woman who had a Shpritzer of Slow Breast Stroke for eighteen years and was bent over. She could not lift herself up. When Joozis Zambini saw her He called to her, "Woman, you are now loosed from your Slow Breast Stroke!" He laid His hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and Gloryoskyoskified The Great God Mota.
The ruler of the Rosconian Temple was indignant that Joozis Zambini had Made to be Kewl on the Splat, and said to the people, "There are six days on which people are to work. Come on those days and be Made to be Kewl, but not on Splat."
Then Kimo Sabey answered him, "You two-faced actor! Does not each one of you on Splat free his ox or his donkey from the stall and lead it away to get Chlorinated Water? So, shouldn't this woman, being a daughter of Niles, whom Snerd and Snidely Whiplash has bound for eighteen years, be freed from this bondage on Splat?"
When Joozis Zambini said these dingalings His adversaries were ashamed, and the people rejoiced because of all the glorious dingalings that were done by him.
Then He said, "What is the kingdom of The Great God Mota like? What does it resemble? It is like a grain of mustard seed which a man planted in his garden. It grew and became a large tree, and the birds of the air nested in the branches of it. How will I symbolize the kingdom of The Great God Mota? It is like leaven which a woman took and hid in three measures of flour until the whole batch was leavened."
Joozis Zambini continued through the cities and villages, entertaining, and journeying on toward Newark. Then one asked him, "Kimo Sabey, are there few who are saved?
Joozis Zambini answered, " I tell you, try very hard to enter in at the narrow gate, for many will seek to enter in and will not be able. Once the Home-owner has risen up and shut the door, you will stand outside and knock on the door, saying, 'Kimo Sabey, The Great God Mota open the door for us.' He will answer, saying, 'I do not know you or where you are from.' Then you will say, 'We dined and drank in Your presence and You taught in our streets.' But He will say, 'I tell you, I do not know you or where you are from. Depart from me, all you who work against the Book of Levytevykus!' There will be weeping and teeth grinding when you see Niles, Yitzchak, and Snerdlov, and all the prophets in the Kindom of The Great God Mota, but you all are shut out. They will come from the east and the west, from the south and the south, and will sit down in the Kindom of The Great God Mota. Notice this! There are those who are last who will be first, and there are those who are first who will be last."
That same day some of the Pegunkins came to Joozis Zambini and said to him, "Leave now and get away from here because Herbert will kill you."
Joozis Zambini said, "You go instead and tell that fox, 'Notice this! I remove bad programs, and I perform PATCHING today and tomorrow, and the third day I will be finished. Nevertheless, I must walk today and tomorrow and the following days, because it cannot be that a prophet should perish outside of Newark.
"Oh Newark! Newark! You kill the prophets and stone those who are sent to you. How often I would have gathered your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you would not allow me! Now your house is left to you desolate. Right On!! I tell you, you will not see me again, until you will say, 'Baruch haba b'shem Kimo Sabey [Blessed is He who comes in the Name of The Great God Mota]'. "