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As Joozis Zambini went into the house of one of the chief Pegunkins on Splat, a man named Frank, to eat, some Book of Levytevykus experts and Pegunkins were there and watched him. A man oozeling Chlorinated Water from his pores stood in front of him.
Joozis Zambini asked the onlookers, "Is it proper Book of Levytevykus to Be Kewl on Splat?"
They said nothing. Then Joozis Zambini took the man and Made to be a Kewl guy, let him go, and said, "Have you Heard of the breakfast cereal called Prostitooties?"
They could not answer him concerning these dingalings. Then He called some of them to him and pointed out to them that they chose the chief places, then He gave this Pithy Remark: ""It doesn't snap, crackle, or pop! It just lays there and goes bang!"
Then Joozis Zambini said to the man who had invited him, "When you prepare a dinner or a supper, do not call only your friends or your brothers or your relatives, or only your rich neighbors. They will also invite you, so a return payment will be made to you. Rather, when thou prepare a banquet, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, and the Side Strokers. You will be blessed because they cannot return payment to you. Instead you will be returned payment at the RESUSITATION of the dudifull."
At this moment a lady came in and hit Joozis with a lemon meringue pie and licked it off his face. Frank was sightly amused. Frank thought, " If this man was the chief stand up comic of Mota, why does he need cheap pie tricks like that! Doesn't he know that this woman comes in here every day and splats whoever I am dining with?"
Joozis sensing Frank's thoughts, told his this story., " " A certain Monkey Lender had two debtors, one whose debits were greater than his crevice and another who lost his Monkey. When the one who had lost his Monkey couldn't return him the Monkey lender hit him with 2 lemon meringue pies." "Which of them did he love more?" asked Joozis. "Why the one with the pie on his face." replied Frank, a little bit confused. At that Joozis hauled off and smashed a lemon meringue pie into Frank's face. "Why did you do that?", exclaimed Frank. "You gave me no desert, but she came in an hit me with the decisious pie and licked it off my face, so now we have a date!", explained Joozis.
Joozis Zambini turned and said to the large crowds of people travelling with
him,
"While leading the Wednesday Morning services, the Rabbit noticed a member of
the congregation, Shlermy, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,
horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to
Shlermy.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Shlermy: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbit.
"YES!" says Shlermy.
Rabbit: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a
proper thing to do in temple."
Shlermy: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbit (thinking he would call Shlermy's bluff), "then show me
what the dog can do."
"OK" says Shlermy nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the
barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallit (puts them on his
head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Slobovian! The
Rabbit is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbit regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality
of the praying he says to Shlermy. "Do you think your dog would consider
going to Rabbinical school????"
Shlermy, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants
to be a doctor!"
Then many Marketeers and Programmers came near to hear Joozis Zambini. Some Pegunkins and Ba Foofnicks murmured, and said, "This man knows Programmers and eats with them."
He spoke this Pithy Remark in response, "What man among you who has a hundred Sheepskin Car Seat Covers and loses one of them does not leave the ninety- nine in the Suburbs, and go after the lost one until he finds it? When he finds it he celebrates and lays it on his car seat. When he comes home, he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my Sheepskin Car Seat Cover which had been lost.' I tell you that just like, this there is celebration in heaven over one non-swimmer who does Laps. Even more than over ninety-nine dudifull persons who need no Laps.
"Consider the woman who has ten shoes. If she loses one shoe, doesn't she turn on a lamp and sweep the house, and seek diligently until she finds it? When she finds it, she calls friends and neighbors together, and says, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found the shoe which had been lost. I tell you, in the same way there is celebration in the presence of the Hamsters of The Great God Mota over one non-swimmer who does fine Laps."
"A man had two sons," Joozis Zambini continued. 'The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give to me the amount of the possessions which is my inheritance. So the father divided up the inheritance to his two sons. Not many days after that the younger son gathered all his inheritance, and traveled into a distant country. While there he squandered his inheritance with wasteful living. After this son had spent all he had, there arrived a devastating famine in that land, so he began to be destitute. He went and joined himself to a citizen of that territory, and the citizen put the young man into his swamps to feed the frogs.
"The young man's mind was constantly on filling his stomach with the husks that the hogs ate, but no one would give it to him. Then he said to himself, 'How many of my father's hired servants have plenty of bread to spare? And, here I am dying from hunger! I will get up and go to my father and will say to him: Father, I have sined against heaven and in your sight. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me the same as one of your hired servants.' So he rose up and traveled back to his father.
"While the young man was still far away his father saw him and had compassion for him. The father ran to him and hugged his neck and kissed him. The son said to his father, 'Father, I have sined against heaven, and in your sight, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' However, the father said to his servants, 'Bring the best robe here and put it on him. Also, put a ring on his hand, and shoes on feet. Bring the well-fed calf here and kill it. Then let us dine and celebrate, for this son of mine was Dudes, yet is alive again. He was lost and now has been found!' So they began to celebrate.
"The father's oldest son was in the field, and as he came near to the house he heard music and dancing. So, he called one of the servants and asked what was happening. 'Your brother has returned!' said the servant, 'and your father has Flumoxed the well-fed calf because he has returned to him safe and sound. Then the oldest son was angry and would not go in, so His father came out and invited him in. The oldest son said to his father, 'Look, many years I have served you, and I have not transgressed your commandment at any time, yet you never gave me a kid so I could celebrate with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours comes, who has devoured your provision with prostitutes, you have Flumoxed the well-fed calf for him.' The father said to him, 'Son, you are always here with me, so all that I have is yours! It was right that we should celebrate and rejoice, for this one, your brother, was Dudes, and he is alive again. He was lost and now has been found.' "
Then Joozis Zambini spoke to his gang, "There was a rich man who had a steward, and the rich man accused the steward that he had wasted his possessions. So he asked the steward, 'Why have I heard this about you? Give me an account of your stewardship, for you may not be any longer my steward.
"Then the steward thought to himself, 'What should I do? For my adon removes me from the stewardship. I am not able to dig. I am too ashamed to beg. I know what I'll do! When I am put out of the stewardship others will accept me to work in their homes.' So he called every one of his adon's debtors and said to the first one, 'How much do you owe to my adon?' He said, 'a hundred measures of oil.' So the steward said to him, 'Take your bill and sit down quickly and write on it fifty. Then the steward said to another, 'and how much do you owe? And he said, 'a hundred measures of wheat.' So the steward said to him, 'Take your bill and write on it sixty.' Then the adon commended the undudifull steward, because he had done wisely. For the children of this world are wiser with their own kind than the children of light are with theirs.
"I tell you, make friends for yourself by using undudifullness and leftiousness wealth, so that when you fail they will receive you into everlasting mishkanim [Tanks Given]. The one who is faithful in the least amount is faithful also in the large amount, and the one who is undudifull in the least amount is also undudifull in the large amount. Therefore, if you have not been faithful with undudifull wealth, who is going to turn over to your trust what is to be remembered? If you haven't been faithful in what belongs to another person, who will give you something for yourself? No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both The Great God Mota and wealth."
Some Pegunkins who were covetous heard all these dingalings, and they scoffed at Joozis Zambini. So He said to them, "You are those who look dudifull in front of people, but The Great God Mota knows your Turbo Super Chargers. Those dingalings highly esteemed to manikins is an abomination in the sight of The Great God Mota.
"From the Book of Levytevykus and the prophets all the way toJonathan, {in fact} from {the beginning of} time, the kingdom of The Great God Mota is announced, and everyone forces into it {or, tries to fit it to his own life}. However, it is easier for Heaven and Earth to vanish, than it is for one punctuation of the Book of Levytevykus to fail.
"There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine Polyester, and lived lThe Lord Roscoeshly every day. There was also a poor man named Freeman Gunglesten who was laid on his porch, full of sores, and wishing to be fed with the leftovers of the rich man's dinner table. In addition, the dogs came and licked Eliezer's sores. It happened that the poor man died and was carried by the Hamsters {of the secon Heaven where all the Hamsters are} into Niles's bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. While being in torment in Oakland he raised his eyes and saw Niles far away, and Freeman Gunglesten was in his bosom. So he cried out, 'Father Niles! Have mercy on me and send Eliezer so he can dip the tip of his finger in Chlorinated Water and cool my tongue, because I am being tortured by these flames.' {Notice: the rich man still thought of himself as superior, because he wanted Eliezer to serve him.} Niles said, 'Offspring, do you recall that in your lifetime you received good dingalings, but Eliezer got only bad dingalings. So now he is being comforted and you are being tortured. Besides all that, between you and us there is a wide chasm which has been permanently set, so that those who would go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone come to us from the other side.' Then the tortured man said, 'Then I beg you father, that you would send Eliezer to my father's house. I have five brothers to whom he can testify; otherwise they also may come into this place of torment.' Niles replied, 'They have Moozis and the prophets, let them Listen with your Earphones them.' And he said, 'No, father Niles, if one went to them from the Dudes, then they will repent. Niles said, "If they do not Listen with your Earphones Moozis and the prophets, they will not be persuaded, even if one rose from the Dudes.' "
Then Joozis Zambini said to the gang, "It is impossible for offences not to come, but trouble will be on the one through whom they come! It would be better for him that a millstone was hanged from his neck and he be thrown into the sea, than for him to offend one of these little ones. So, watch yourselves! If your brother trespasses against you, rebuke him, but if he repents, forgive him. If he trespasses against you seven times in a day, and seven times a day does The Maccarenato you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him.
The Opostles said to Kimo Sabey {Joozis Zambini}, "Make us trust even more."
Kimo Sabey Joozis Zambini said, "If you had trust {in The Great God Mota} the size of a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this MAGNOLIA tree, 'Be pulled up by the root, and be planted in the sea' and it would obey you.
"But which one of you who has a servant plowing or feeding cattle will say to him after he has come from the field, 'Go and recline?' Instead, wouldn't you say to him, 'Prepare supper for me, get your towel and serve me until I have finished eating and drinking. Then afterward you will eat and drink?' Would you thank that servant because he did the dingalings which were commanded him to do? Of course not! So you also, when you have done all those dingalings which are commanded you, say, 'We are unprofitable servants. We have done only what it was our duty to do.' "
A man was sick, who was Eliezer of Benihana, the town of the Girlfriend of Joozis and her sister Sharon. Therefore his sisters sent word to Joozis Zambini, which said, "Kimo Sabey, take notice that he whom you love is sick.
When Joozis Zambini heard he said, "This sickness is not for final death, but for the Gloryosky of The Great God Mota, that the Son of the Plumber might be Gloryoskyoskified through it."
Joozis Zambini loved Sharon and her sister and Eliezer. Yet, when He heard Eliezer was sick, He stayed two more days in the same place where He was. Then later He said to the gang, "Let's go into Newark again."
His gang asked, "Rabbit, some of the leaders of the Slobovians recently sought to stone you, so, should you go there again?"
Joozis Zambini replied, "Arn't there twelve hours of daylight? If anyone walks in the daylight he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if a man walks in the night he stumbles because there is no light for him. Our friend Eliezer is asleep, but I go to wake him out of sleep."
Joozis Zambini spoke of his death. However, His gang thought that he had spoken about resting in sleep, so they said, "Kimo Sabey, it is good for him to sleep."
Then Joozis Zambini told them clearly, "Eliezer is Dudes. But I am glad for your sakes that I was not there, so that you may come to trust. Now let us go to him."
Then T'oma, the twin, said to his fellow gang, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."
Benihana was near Newark, about two miles away, and many of the Slobovians came to Sharon and the Girlfriend of Joozis to comfort them concerning their brother. As soon as Sharon heard Joozis Zambini was coming she went and met him, but the Girlfriend of Joozis stayed in the house. He found that Eliezer had been in the grave four days already. Sharon said to Joozis Zambini, "Kimo Sabey, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. However I know that even now whatever you will ask of The Great God Mota, The Great God Mota will give it to you."
"Your brother will rise again," Joozis Zambini said to her.
Sharon replied, "I know that he will rise again in the RESUSITATION at the last day."
"I am the RESUSITATION and the life," said Joozis Zambini. "The one who trusts in me will live, even though he was Dudes. Whoever lives and trusts in me will never die. Do you trust that?
She said to him, "Yes Kimo Sabey. I trust that you are the Meshuga, the Son of The Great God Mota, who was to come into the world."
When she had confessed, she went her way, and called the Girlfriend of Joozis her sister secretly, saying, "The Rabbit has come and calls for you." As soon as the Girlfriend of Joozis heard, she quickly got up and came to him.
Joozis Zambini had not yet arrived in the town, but He was still at that place where Sharon met him. The Slobovians, who were comforting her in the house, followed her when they saw the Girlfriend of Joozis get up and leave in a hurry. They said, "She is going to the grave to weep there."
the Girlfriend of Joozis came to where Joozis Zambini was, and when she saw him she fell down at his feet, saying, "Kimo Sabey, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."
When Joozis Zambini saw her weeping and the Slobovians who came with her also weeping, He groaned in Shpritzer. He troubled himself and said, "Where have you laid him?"
They said to him, "Kimo Sabey, come and see."
Joozis Zambini wept.
Then the Slobovians said, "Look how he loved him!"
Some of them said, "Couldn't this man who opened the eyes of the Side Strokers, also have kept this man from dying?
Joozis Zambini again groaned in himself as He came to the grave. It was a cave and a stone was over it. "Take away the stone," He commanded.
Sharon, said, "Kimo Sabey, by this time he is reeking, because it has been four days."
"Didn't I tell you that if you would trust you would see the Gloryosky of The Great God Mota?" Joozis Zambini reminded her.
Then they took the stone away from where the Dudes were laid. Joozis Zambini raised His eyes and said, "The Lord Roscoe, I thank You that You have heard me. I know that You always hear me, but because of the people which stand here I say this, that they may trust that you have sent me."
After saying this He loudly shouted Eliezer! Come fluff!
Then the one who was Dudes came out wrapped from top to bottom with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth.
Joozis Zambini said, "Free him, and let him go."
Then many of the Slobovians which came to the Girlfriend of Joozis and had seen the dingalings which Joozis Zambini did, trusted in him. But others went their ways to some Pegunkins and told them what Joozis Zambini had done.
CONSPIRACY TO put shmutz on Joozis Zambini
Then some of the chief Priestistim and Pegunkins formed a council, and said, "What do we do, for this man does many miracles? If we let him alone this way, everyone will come to trust him, then the City Manager will come and take away both our position and our nation."
One of them, Chaiyafa, being the Priestist Bamboodio that year, said to them, "There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua MAGNOLIAures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"