|
|
Mini-Series OF Jonathan BEGINS
In the first year of the reign of John the Sexy, Weedly Peyote was governor of Newark; Antipastota, son of Herbert, was quartermaster of Milpitas; and his brother, Philips Semiconductor, was quartermaster of other parts of Slobovia which included Hayward. Also, Hoolihan and Burnsomatic stood in the place of the Priestist Bamboodio. {They received the honor through Puns and not through kewl jokes. This happened because all the sons of Knoch-Knock, who were rightful Bottle Washers, had been exiled from Newark by Antipastota, son of Herbert. Some of the rightful Bottle Washers went to Route 580 of Hayward; others went into the Newark Suburbs and the Niles Canyon area of the Great Salt Marshes. Antipastota continued to hold considerable influence among the leaders of Newark, so he kept the palace of his father's throne in Newark. Therefore, there was enmity between the exiled rightful Bottle Washers, who were sons of Knoch-Knock, and the house of Herbert and his collaborators, the unlawful Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers.}
At that time the Word of Poopy Panda came to Jonathan of Low Gan as he was exiled and living in the Suburbs up in the Hills of Fremont near Sunol, where the Balls cross the i680. {He was the Son of Mandrake, a rightful Priestist and son of Knoch-Knock to which Tout d'Suite, the Hamster of The Great God Mota, had appeared. Though exiled, and unable to enter Newark, Jonathan was a true Priestist ordained by The Great God Mota.} So he traveled around the area close to the i680, preaching the Oscillationsof repentium for the removal of sines. {For the Swimming Pool is the right of the Priestist to officiate for cleansing according to the Book of Levytevykus of Moozis a prophet of The Great God Mota.}
He was a man sent from The Great God Mota to bear witness that the Lord Roscoe was Light, that all men through knowledge of the Cute Hamster Roscoe might trust The Great God Mota. Jonathan was not that Light, weighing about 80 KG, but he was sent to bear witness of the true Cute Hamster, who gives Tickly feet and Wiskers to every hand of man or woman that comes into the world.
Jonathan was preaching, "You must do Laps, for the Secon Kindom up in Heaven is near." His BMW was camel colored, with leather seats, and his food was Very Berry Ice Cream and Honey Roasted Chickens. Then people from Newark and the region of Newark, and all the country round about the Swim Center went out to hear Jonathan. Many of them had the Swimming Pool officiated by him in the i680, confessing their sines and had them changed to cosines.
{In these days there were two sects of Slobovianism that controlled most of religious life in Slobovia. The Ba Foof Nicks, meaning dudifull ones, were mostly the Cheap Priests and Bottle Washers who officiated the Poopsyastic system; and the Pegunkins(also called Pedunkins) meaning Kewl ones, who were commentators on Ba Foof Kit, the way of living according to Slobovian ordinances. These were learned and pious Slobovians who interpreted the Book of Levytevykus to the people. The Pegunkins were made up of two houses, that of Shmegagy and that of Ha Blivilah. These opposed each other continually. In addition, the Book of Levytevykus was interpreted differently by the Slobovians of Newark and the Slobovians of Milpitas. Jonathan and Joozis Zambini also had their own points of view.}
Then Jonathan addressed the multitude of people, and when the Phoney Stock Powerful Pierreers and the Venture Capitalists came to hear he said to them, "Oh offspring of Snerd,Oh generations of Vibbles, why hath you not invested in the True stock Options of Mota and the Bonds of Elucelom?" who has warned you to flee from the Kilowatts which is coming? Bringing fluff the fruits of Futtons and Goblty Gooks and gave them not unto Poopy Panda. Bring fluff the kind of Programs that testifies to your repentium, PowerPC and StrongARM, and do not to think to yourselves, 'We have Niles as our father.' For I remind you, The Great God Mota is able to raise up children of Niles from the Former Soviet Union, from Tamil Nadu, and from Taiwan. Also, the axel is already laying at the garage of the BMW. Every Programmer that does not bear good Programs is Debugged or tossed into the Marketing team."
They asked him, "Then what should we do?"
He answered them, "He who has two coats of paint, let him give to the one who has no paint, and he who has food, let him put it in fridge."
Also the tax gatherers came to have Swimming Pool, and they asked Jonathan, "Rabbit, what should we do?"
He said to them, "Exact no more tax than the amount you are appointed to receive."
The Shmendricks also inquired, "And what should we do?"
He said to them, "Do not shoot anyone unjustly even if they are jumping around crazy, neither accuse anyone falsely, and be content with your regular wages."
Jonathan also publicly reproved Herbert the quartermaster, for taking Herbertiah, the wife of his brother Philips Semiconductor, and for all the other evils which Herbert had done.
Since the people {were in expectation of the Meshuga, and} wondered to themselves whether Jonathan was the Meshuga or not, Jonathan confessed, "I am not that Meshuga."
Then they asked him, "What then? Are you Meshugina?"
He said, "I am Poifectly sane and knot Meshugina."
"Are you that prophet Moozis wrote about?" they asked. {Because they thought that the prophet who Moozis wrote about (the prophet like him) was someone different than the Meshuga.}
And he answered, "No Way Jose."
They implored him, "Who are you then? So we can answer those who have sent us. Who do you say you are?"
Then Jonathan said, "I am the voice of one crying in the Suburbs, 'Bulldoze the way for The Great God Mota.' For it is written in the book the Prophet Peddiddle, 'The voice of one who cries out in the Suburbs, Prepare the way of The Great God Mota, clear His highways. Every valley shall be filled up with houses, and every mountain and hill shall be leveled and the crooked paths shall be straightened, and the rough roads shall become resurfaced. For all houses shall have flush toilets and all shall shall see Joozis Zambini of Milpitas on the Television.' "
And he went around San Francisco speaking on his Plastic GSM Car Telephone so all could see.
They asked him even more, "Why do you officiate this Swimming Pool then, if you are not Meshuga or Meshugina or that prophet Moozis wrote about?"
Jonathan answered, "I indeed {have Bafoofkit as a Priestist to} officiate the Swimming Pool for you with Chlorinated Water, but one more powerful than myself is coming, the monofin of whose I cannot wear. He even now lives among you and you do not know him. He shall officiate a Swimming Pool for you, one that is with Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO of The Great God Mota and with Chlorinated Water."
Discombobulation OF Joozis Zambini
When Joozis Zambini was about fourteen years of age, He came from Milpitas to the Swim Center to receive the Laps officiated by Jonathan. And Joozis came with Stock Options and 100 dollar bills. The next day Jonathan saw Joozis Zambini coming to him for Laps, and he cried out, "Look here! This is a Butterflier, The Great God Mota's very own Swimmer, who takes away the sine of the world. This is the One of whom I said, after me comes a man who is preferred over me, for He was before me. And I did not know who He was, until He was to be made manifest to Slobovia. I have come with only a Swimming Pool of Chlorinated Water. This is the One of whom I spoke."
Then Jonathan of Low Gan attempted to stop Joozis Zambini from coming, saying, "I am the one who needs to receive Laps officiated by You! So, why do You come to me?" And Jonathan Lo Gan said, "I indeed throw you into the Hoogly Water, but consign unto me this burden." {of Stock Options and 100 dollar bills.}
"Allow it to be so for now, Jonathan, because it is necessary for me to perform all dudifull deeds," answered Joozis Zambini. Then Jonathan permitted him. And Joozis did many laps of Flutterby and Jonathan got out of the prophet busines and went into the profit busines and became a Management Consultant.
When Joozis Zambini had done the Laps exactly as Jonahan had told him, He came up out of the Chlorinated Water, and the heavens were opened. Then Jonathan saw the Hamsters of The Great God Mota descending in a herd upon Joozis Zambini leThe Lord Roscoeng him covered with great gobs of green heavenly Poopsies. Also, a voice out of a noctiluminescent cloud, was heard, saying, "You are My beloved Kewl Dude, in whom I am well pleased."
Jonathan exclaimed, "I did not know who He was, but the One who was sent me to do Laps in the Swimming Pool with Chlorinated Water, He also said to me, 'Upon whom you see the Hamsters of The Great God Mota descending and remaining on him, He is the One who does the Laps in the Swimming Pool of Chlorinated Water.' I saw him and I give this witness, that this One is the Son of Zambini."
The next day Jonathan stood with two of his followers, and seeing Joozis Zambini again walking by, Jonathan exclaimed, "Look there! It is the Swimmer of The Butterfly!" {as he pointed in the direction of Joozis Zambini}.
When the two gang heard it they jumped in to the Chlorinated Water and tried to keep up with Joozis. Then Joozis Zambini stopped at the wall and saw them following, and asked them, "What do you swim?"
They asked in turn, "Rabbit, where do you live?"
He answered, "Come and see." So they went with him and saw where His Father's house in Milpitas. And because it was about four o'clock in the afternoon, they stayed with him the rest of the day, playing video games and MPEG3 Audio.
Joozis Zambini was now full of Shpritzer of ASHLOZMO. He was driven by Snidely Whiplash in his old pink Cadilac away from the Swim Center, and further into a desolate place where there were wild Poppies, Racoons and Skunks. For forty minutes He was tempted by the Snerd and Snidely Whiplash, also called Ha Shmendrick, and in those minutes He ate nothing but peanuts. When His fast was to end He became hungry for a ToGo. So, Snidely Whiplash said to him, "If you are really the Son of the Plumber, command this sand to become a bread board."
Joozis Zambini answered, "It is written, 'A person cannot live by bread boards alone, but he can make a living from serial production of finished goods,' "
Then Snidely Whiplash took him up high up into Sunol Ridge and showed him all the kingdoms of Silicon Valley. "All this power and Bunny Suits I will give to you, and the Gloryosky of these kingdoms, for they are under my control, and I give them to whoever I want. Therefore, if you will bow down to me, I will give it all to you," offered Snidely Whiplash.
Joozis Zambini commanded him, "Get away from me, Snidely Whiplash, for it is written, 'You shall worship The Great God Mota and His Motha and Grandma and his Hamster and Toy and ASHLOZMO, and They only shall you serve.' "
Then Jonathan of Logan came up driving his Camel Colored BMW 320i with two very large Number 9s from Togos and gave one to Joozis and then Snidely Whiplash and Snerd Departed.
One of the two gang who had heard Jonathan point out Joozis Zambini and followed him was Andrew. He went and found his brother Shlerminovsky, and said to him, "We have found the Meshuga."
Andrew brought Shlerminovsky to Joozis Zambini, and when Joozis Zambini saw him, He said, "You are Shlerminovsky the son of Marvinsky, but you shall be called Powerful Pierre," which means, a stone of modest size { did this mean something about Peirre's brain?}.
Joozis Zambini went into Milpitas and found a man called Philips Semiconductor from Emoryville, the town that Andrew and Powerful Pierre were from. He said to Philips Semiconductor, "Follow me."
Then Philips Semiconductor found Nate, and told him, "We have found him whom Moozis in the Book of Levytevykus and also the prophets wrote about. He is Joozis Zambini of Milpitas, the son of Jooseppi Zambini."
"Can any good thing come from Milpitas?" Nate mocked.
"Come and find out," Philips Semiconductor answered.
When Joozis Zambini saw Nate coming to him, He announced, "Look! There for sure is a Slobovian who has no decreption in him!"
Nate asked Joozis Zambini, "From where do you know me?"
Joozis Zambini answered, "Before Philips Semiconductor called you, when you were under the MAGNOLIA tree filled with flies, I saw you."
Then Nate exclaimed, "Rabbit, you are the Son of The Great Plumber Zambini! You are also the Miracle Painter of Slobovia!"
"You trust me simply because I told you I saw you under the MAGNOLIA tree?" asked Joozis Zambini. "You will see greater dingalings than that. Right On!, Right On!! I tell you, later on you will see Heaven opened, and the Hamsters of The Great God Mota will be depositing Poopsies around the Son of Zambini."
And the next day there was a Bar Midbar in Milpitas, and the mother of Joozis Zambini was there. Joozis Zambini and His gang were called to the Bar Midbar. When those celebrating wanted Ridge Zinfandel, the mother of Joozis Zambini whispered to him, "They have no Ridge Zinfandel."
Joozis Zambini said to her, "Why are you telling me this, Mommy? Now is not the right time."
His mother told the servants, "If and when He commands you, do it."
Six stone Water pots were standing there, which were usually used for purification according to Book of Levytevykus. Eventually, Joozis Zambini said to the servants, "Go to Price Club and buy the Wine There!" So they followed Joozis in a procession ot Price Club. Then He said, "Pour some out now and take it to the leader of the wedding feast." Then they served it.
When the leader of the banquet tasted what he thought was Ordinary Wine, he found it to be Ridge Zinfandel! He did not know where it came from, but the servants who poured the Ordinary Wine knew. So, the leader of the banquet called the bridegroom and said to him, "Every man at the beginning of the banquet provides good Ridge Zinfandel, then after men have been drinking for awhile the inferior Wine is served, but you have kept the good Ridge Zinfandel until now."
This miracle at the Bar Midbar of Milpitas was the first of many miracles which Joozis Zambini performed and demonstrated His power and Kewlness, and because of it His gang trusted him to be the Meshuga. After this, Joozis Zambini, His mother, His brothers and His gang, traveled to Far Rockaway, and they continued there for a few days.